dovelucille: January 2014

Twenty thirteen was a year of bittersweet purging and starting not just a new year but the rest of my life on a clean blank slate. This has been a blessing and a curse, but I've welcomed it.

Before we talk about my goals for 2014, a review of events in 2013 is in order.

Jan-April

I started the year off excited and nervous on a plane to Italy. I knew a few people going in and fell in love with every soul I encountered when I left. I can't fathom how perfect everything blossomed, every detail, from my lovely roommates and our jail cell of a room, the small number of people at the center which made the experience more intimate, to the beautiful view outside of my window. There was never enough time to take each town, each building, each moment in. You can read about most of my adventures in previous posts if you already haven't!

During these months, I learned there was so much more outside of myself. I've always KNOWN there was more to life than what was readily around me, but until you experience it, and in such an overwhelming and short amount of time, it hits you hard. I didn't want to live my life by defining to myself what I could do anymore, I wanted it to be about what I should do. What should I do to dedicate my life to humanity, and also for my well-being?

May-Dec

I came back with nothing on my plate, which in turn is a lot of my plate. It's my senior year, I'm supposedly already suppose to have things figured out, finding a job or applying for grad school or something along the lines of "hey, I've spent the last three years in school preparing myself, and I've reached a decision."

Well, it doesn't always end so happily.

Since I was a kid, my family has always tried to define how my life needed to proceed. I was to be a doctor, some kind of doctor, and make a lot of money. This group-entitlement felt like an attack to how I should live MY future, and I have spent a large amount of my life rebelling against it. But at the same time, I knew it made sense, I needed money to live a good life, and who makes a better living than a doctor of some kind?

This was when my (high school) decision to major in psychology and become a psychologist felt like the perfect happy medium. I was still defying the expectations of my family but at the same time, I could still be a doctor, help people, and potentially make a good living. And I've loved every topic I have studied in this field.

But when you come back from a life-changing experience, something you ask yourself is if you really want to settle for a "happy medium" (I never considered my career choice something I settled on, it was something I had to dig deep into myself to extract the truth). Well, do you? Even without going abroad or doing something "life changing," I am challenging you, do you want to settle?

I didn't.

And what I thought was the end of the journey was really only a decision at a fork in the road, "left, or right?" Psychology was not THE path, but it was that directional decision that helped me figure out what I needed to be doing with the rest of my life, and it wasn't becoming a psychologist.

HEY, this is a little discouraging, so let's talk about some happy events:

May

I was fortunate enough to work at Glazed Cafe, where I did not have to give up my cafe lifestyle and got to make coffee for people who appreciated the warmth and comfort a cup can bring. I learned so much about how coffee works and just hope to get better and better at it. The best part is being able to share that eagerness and love with customers and friends.

Aug

When I moved into my duplex, Johnny and Luc helped my dad and I transport all of my belongings and I showed them around College Station. The next day, we took a day trip to Austin (our first Austin adventure) and it was so much fun. I had coffee, good food and a "climbing expedition" in wedges at one of the graffiti parks. It was as close to an europe adventure as I could get (and afford, lets be real) and so I appreciated the new exposure.

This was the first year I was living off campus (beside the semester abroad), and unfortunately, the girls I was planning to live with didn't work out. BUT God works in mysterious ways, and I ended up living with two of the sweetest and fun roommates at the Pink Light District. I've loved all the roomie dinners, late night wine and jam sessions and northgate adventures.

Nov

RING DAY. Probably the most important moment for an Aggie (A piece of paper vs. a gold ring, do I need to compare?). I felt so "kinfolk" in my maxi and homemade flower crown, which took me forever to assemble because I kept disassembling it. My whole family including Johnny and Luc came to bear witness as I said yes to the most wonderful university in the world (sure, A&M as it's flaws, but what s/o doesn't?).

It feels weird that the second half of my year felt so uneventful but yet it was the most dynamic, pensive and altering part of 2013. It was as if the halves were cause-and-effect. But of course, there were so many other life events that were wonderful (Kendrick Lamar, TGS festival, DFW girls' night outings, Halloween, my ring dunk--lol, last Aggie traditions, ETC), it's just these few stand out. If you've read this far, I applaud you.

So here I am, in 2014. It was a daunting end of the year. I was so restless and afraid. And I must admit, the fear held me back. When you have no idea what is in store for your life, for yourself, you have the tendency to remain stagnant, frozen. I am so blessed and grateful for lovely friends, family, and professors who have helped me through this storm. I haven't fully gotten out, but I feel the fog has begin to lift and life seems a little clearer.

My "goals" are simple but encompassing, be healthy (mind, body, soul), kind and lastly, encouraging; I had so many strange and overwhelming emotions running through my heart that I don't wish for anyone to go through alone, because, well, you aren't alone.